Monday, January 30, 2012

Funny Facebook Status Updates

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio

Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.

...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

"Username or Password incorrect." TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH

Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....

Does anyone have that light switch in their house that they really don't know what it goes to...

Easily the best thing about Facebook: The ability to read other people's fights.

I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms into body wash.

I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they call, I always say I'll be there in 5 minutes.

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings and so on, so on, you get it.

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'

Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....

Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

My 'check engine' light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there.

Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals saying they don't eat clowns because the taste funny.

Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing.

I always write 'Wake Up' on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day.

I'll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones.

Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that its my cellphone.

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.

When I was younger, I would put my face close to a fan & talk to hear my robot voice...

Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while. (X) Fuck it. I'll buy my own shit.

DAD: Wanna Hear A Joke Son? SON: Yes DAD: Pussy SON: I Don't Get It... DAD: EXACTLY!

On the 12th day of Christmas, my Facebook gave too me, 12 stupid bitches, 11 fake people, 10 FB hackings, 9 new porn websites, 8 wack statuses, 7 hoes a slurping, 6 bums a posting, 5 ignorant bastards, 4 corny birds, 3 messages, 2 ugly friends, & a girl who smashed the wholeee team.

On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee!

Okay know I love you...but I can't accept your friend request on Facebook.

Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

Don't text me while I'm texting you, now I have to change my text.

FACEBOOK, SlutBook, meet just to FuckBook, tryin to be sneaky but then get caught UpBook, ShameBook, LameBook, using a fake NameBook, corny in the streets but on here you got GameBook, JokeBook, PokeBook, everybody's QuoteBook, in pictures you got money but in person you BrokeBook, SexBook, FlexBook, flirting with your ExBook, someone leaves a comment then you get a urgent TextBook, FightBook, TrifeBook, everybodys RightBook, someone needs to come out with a get a fucking LifeBook!

If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

If couples who are in love are called 'love birds', then couples who always argue should be called 'angry birds.'

Face your problems don't Facebook your problems.

When I was a kid, I used to sing, 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P'

'Are you as bored as I am?' Makes sense even when you read it backwards...

Deleting your Facebook is like running away from home. You're only doing it for attention and you'll be back in a day.

'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Net.

This Christmas I've decided to put a mistletoe in my back all the people I dont like can kiss my ass.

When I get introduced to someone I ask them 'Team Edward or Team Jacob?' It helps me separate the freaks & douches from the normal ones.

Mom: Your great aunt just passed away. LOL Me: Why is that funny? Mom: It's not funny David! What do you mean? Me: Mom lol means laughing out loud! Mom: Oh my goodness! I sent that to everyone I thought it meant lots of love. I have to call everyone back oh God.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!!

Dear People of The World, I don't mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.

Facebook event invites from people you barely know should really have a 'seriously?' option in the reply.

Call of Duty: MW3 comes out midnight tonight. I wonder how many relationships are going to end this week.

I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.

I dont mind ketchup on my hot dog, as long as the bun is tight.

My mother texted me 'What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?' I answered: 'I dont know, love u, talk to u later.' Mother: 'Ok, I'll ask your sister'

Don't have phone sex. You might get hearing aids.

Parent: What did you learn today? Student: Apparently not enough! We have to go back tomorrow!

Rumors. Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.

Before sex.. you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fucked.

A wise man once said... relationships are like jacking off.... no doubt, they're amazing.. but they always end in a mess.

Does a prostitude file pregnancy as a work-related accident?

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance. Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair. Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy.

If a profile picture has two ppl in it, the profile belongs to the uglier one.

Facebook is that insecure chick that keeps changing her hairstyle &/or color until she finally loses her mind and shaves it & scares everyone.

Are you free tomorrow? No, Im fucking expensive.

Facebook is like a relationship: Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their inbox...

How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men...

The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family...

A drunken man was dreaming that he died and reincarnated on earth as a chicken. He became heavy and tried to lay an egg! He pushed and pushed and laid the 1st egg, then the 2nd. He was pushing to lay a 3rd egg when his wife screamed ''James! You're shitting on the bed!"

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to "Go straight". haha

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.

Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.

I feel like getting some work done, so I'm going to sit here until the feeling passes.

A female officer pulls over a drunk man. The officer tells him, "Anything you say will be held against you!" Then the drunk man yells, "TITTIES"!

When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

Roses are red, Facebook is blue, No mutual friends, Who the f*ck are you?

That awkward moment when someone comments on a really old picture and you realize they were probably stalking your page.

"All you do is sit on Facebook all day" Lies. I sit on the chair.

My wife said she wanted something that went from 0 to 400 in 2 seconds....I got her a bathroom scale.

I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'

Life is not a garden, don't be a hoe.

I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they fuck up I will just hit them all at once.

Gay people: One man's junk is another man's treasure.

I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.

I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so it appears like you actually left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

When going to work has become a nice break from Facebook, it's safe to say you're a Facebook junkie.

I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.

If Facebook is like dating, then Twitter is like a one night stand - it's fun while you're doing it, you finish in like 5 minutes, and you feel real cheap afterwards.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

I don't need to lie. But, sometimes, I like to give the truth an extreme makeover.

I don't make typos. I make new words.

If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

Going to McDonald's to get a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.

I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, "I love you". Girl asks "Is it you or the beer talking?". Boy replies, "Its me. Talking to my beer."

You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

My wife always complains that I dont take her anywhere expensive... so I took her to the Gas Station.

Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.

I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying You're next. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, You're next.

Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half!

A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.

Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says Look, a dead bird. Blonde looks up in the sky, WHERE, WHERE?

Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.

Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!

Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.

Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.

Not trying to be rude, but your dick gets less action then a white crayon.

Face down, ass up, that's the way we............ tie our shoes!

Unless your name is GOOGLE...stop acting like you KNOW EVERYTHING...

Started writing poetry the other day. POETR, it's coming along nicely.

Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.

I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Dear Internet Users, Someday u will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of naughty girls.

Please tell your pants it's rude to point.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.

Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.

I don't get nervous if I'm surrounded by beautiful women. I know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me.

I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forget.

I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.

I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

A man yells at his wife "pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery." "Oh wonderful!" she says, "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" The husband replies, "I don't care. Just get out!"

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Best way to get out of a text convo: "The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110"

My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

I always lock my front door before I get in the shower 'cause if a killer broke in & heard me singing I'd be HUMILIATED.

If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

Facebook...... Half Social Network..... Half Shoe Store! Didnt Know I Was At The Mall.

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

A bill collector called me and I told them I had $17,208,857.23 in Mafia Wars but I'm having a problem transferring the funds to my checking.

Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool... to poke a Hontas.

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio

Why is there a show called When animals attack? It should be called When stupid people go near dangerous animals.

Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Some day my prince will come.

When you are trying to get out of the aisle at the movies, and you have to pass by people, do you give them the nut or the butt?

Wanna come over to MySpace and Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?

If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.

No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.

Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?

Vodka-$19.99. Motel-$54.99. Condoms-$2.99. Finding Out She Swallows... PRICELESS!!!!! Fuck Visa, It Pays To Discover!!!!!

I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.

"I think we should feel other people." (Blind couple breaking up.)

If the world doesnt end on December 21st, 2012, I have a feeling there will be a lot of babies born on September 20th, 2013.

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

My mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-bitch."

God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters.

Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to fuck with you.

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.

If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke

Valintines Day Facebook Status Updates

e uIf hugs were water, I'd give u a sea. If kisses were leaves, I'd give u a tree. If love was time, I'd giv eternity but if love was a person, I'd send u me <3

Ok valentines day is cumin up, who wants 2 take me out on a date? -ask me now b4 its 2 l8.

He gave her a dozen roses , a 11 real ones and 1 fake he told her he would love her till the last one died :)

If I could be anything in the world I would want to be a teardrop because I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine!

For you see, each day I love you more Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

Dear Alcohol... Will you be my Valentine?

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.

I just realized that relationships are like Tom and Jerry.... They tease each other... knock down each other... irritate each other... but can not live without each other.

There is only one happiness in life.... to love and to be loved.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

Everything fair in love and war.

Love unexpressed is a crime against the heart.

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Life is the flower for which love is the honey.

A man who lies cannot love.

A poet without love were a physical and metaphysical impossibility.

A spiritual relationship can have its romantic moments.

Feels that Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

True love is like ghosts... which everybody talks about and few have seen.

Where there is love there is life.

There is no remedy for love than to love more.

A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.

He is not a lover.... who does not love forever.

Without His love I can do nothing... with His love there is nothing I cannot do.

Friendship often ends in love... but love in friendship... never.

Absence sharpens love... presence strengthens it.

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.

Love is a light that shines from heart to heart.

You are the one, You know it's true, To care for me, The way you do. I only have one thing to say, I will love you more tomorrow than today.

Love is an act of endless forgiveness.... a tender look which becomes a habit.

Ah, valentines day. A day when taken people get laid and single people get drunk.

If you truly love someone then every day is Valentine's Day.

A legal kiss is never as good as stolen one.

Live for love. Without love... you do not live.

All love is vanquished by a succeeding love.

Love those who love you.

The one who loves least controls the relationship.

Love is not just looking at each other.... it is looking in the same direction.

None ever loved.... but at first sight they loved.

Love that is not madness is not love.

The giving of love is an education in itself.

If you love a person..... you can forgive anything.

Love asks me no questions.... And gives me endless support.

A heart in love with beauty never grows old.

Love may be blind..... but it can sure find its way around in the dark.

There is nothing in life like making love.

Every man needs two women.... a quiet home-maker..... and a thrilling nymph.

The only guy that will ever be good enough for yours the one who thinks he does not deserve you.

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

Economized love is never real love.

Real love begins where nothing is expected in return....

The hottest love has the coldest end.

Love is blind.... and marriage is a real eye opener.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! A day to celebrate love! May those of you keep your love strong, and to those who are still looking, may it not be very long!

No three words have greater power than I Love You.

Absence makes the heart fonder? of somebody else.

Hate leaves ugly scars.... love leaves beautiful ones.

Love is the weightier business of mankind.

Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.

Analysis kills love.... as well as other things.

Man is sometimes extraordinarily passionately in love with suffering.

Love is a better teacher than duty.

Doesn't need 1 special day 2 be told he is loved, cause he has a very lucky guy that tells his everyday. Happy Valentine's Day!!

A beautiful woman should break her mirror early.

Love is not in our choice but in our fate.

Forgiveness is the final form of love.

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love.... it is the prerogative of the brave.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Love is the beauty of the soul.

Roses are red, violets are thorny, when I look at you, I get really horny!

The rose speaks of love a language known only to the heart.

A lovesick person looks in vain for a doctor.

And love is loveliest when embalm'd in tears.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

The first duty of love is to listen.

For those of you who are couples, it's Valentines Day. For the rest of us... it's Singles Awareness Day (or S.A.D.)

Follow love and it will flee... flee love and it will follow.

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

Once you have learned to love... You will have learned to live.

A beautiful face is a silent commendation.

A broken hand works.... but not a broken heart.

Love is a sweet pain.

Hope is only the love of life.

Love will find a way.... Indifference will find an excuse.

In love one and one are one.

Lifes greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.

Like a child's infinite dreams,,, is the endlessness of love.

Love is a cloth which imagination embroiders.

Happy Valentines Day to all my friends. This is the day to recognize the love that we should ALL be showing all year long.

A heart that loves is always young.

Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing.

Faith makes all things possible. Love makes them easy.

Real love stories never have endings.

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.

Love demands infinitely less than friendship.

Love without friendship is life without hope.

If two past lovers remain friends.....they are either still in love or they never were.

The best proof of love is trust.

The first sigh of love is the last of wisdom.

Fortune and love favor the brave.

Love is an education in itself.

The Eskimos have 52 words for snow because it is so special to them; there ought to be as many for love!

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart.

That desert of loneliness and recrimination that men call love.

Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness.

Live to love.... and love to live.

Never love anything that can't love you back.

Love feeds only upon love.

Happy Valentines Day my FB Friends,may you all be blessed with love today and for the rest of eternity...but not like stalker love,I'm talkin bout real love.

Love is a platform upon which all ranks meet.

Its not diamonds, its not flowers, its time which the greatest gift you can give to ur loved one coz the memories of time spent together is priceless :)

Spice a dish with love and it pleases every palate.

A kiss is something you cannot give without taking and can not take without giving.

Love is not to be purchased....and affection has no price...

The eyes those silent tongues of Love.

Love at first sight is cured by the second look.

At the touch of love.... everyone becomes a poet.

If you open your heart, love opens your mind....

As love knoweth no laws..... so it regardeth no conditions.

Hope everyone has a special Valentine's Day, filled with love, laughter, caring and sharing. Happy Valentine's Day!

Sometimes love is stronger than a man's convictions.

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.

A loving heart is the truest wisdom.

I always pray to god to keep you happy ever and ever forever....I will luv u till my last breath.Even if i luv for u will never die.

Nobody in love has a sense of humour.

Loving you is like breathing.... how can I stop.

February 14th is a busy day for me, So many cards to open, I think i will have to take the day off.

People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.

For those of you who have someone special to share Valentine's Day with, Best Wishes. A for those who are still looking for that someone special I wish you love.

If love is great, and there are no greater things, then what I feel for you must be the greatest.

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

Love was just a word until you came into sight and granted it a meaning. Happy Valentine's Day

Nothing cures like time and love.

Love is a friendship set to music.

Love is a game in which both players cheat.

A real man makes everyday feel like valentine's day.

Love..... A temporary insanity curable by marriage....Love You.

Falling in love reminds you that nothing else matter.

How beautiful life can be when touched by love.

If you would be loved.... love and be lovable.

Jealousy is nothing but the foolish child of pride.

In jealousy there is more of self love than love.

Love is like pi..... natural irrational and very important.

The richest love is that which submits to the arbitration of time.

Dear Valentine, I bought your favourite chocolates but got hungry so I ate them. I was thinking about you when I ate them. Happy Valentine's Day.

Love is hard work..... and hard work sometimes hurts.

Lovers know what they want.... but not what they need.

Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.

Some love lasts a lifetime. True love lasts forever.

You will feel love more when you are alone.

Love is a spirit all compact of fire.

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Lovers derive their pleasures from their misfortunes.

A hundred hearts would be too few To carry all my love for you.

Valentine hearts beat more passionately than everyday hearts.

Familiar acts are beautiful through love.

If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with..

People need love even when they do not deserve it.

Love builds highways out of dead ends.

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

At the gate where suspicion enters... love goes out.

Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself wanting to be lost again.

Witty Facebook Status Updates

I will never go bungee jumping. A rubber breaking was the reason I was born, it sure as hell isn?t going to be the reason that I die.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life, no one helps you once you've been f***

I`m proud of my heart. It`s been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow still works.

Says if u need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

When a women says: GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

OMG guys.. im so happy... the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself

What MOM stands for?, Its Made For Money(MoM)

Girls are like apples. Boys pick up the rotten ones at the bottom because they're easier. You have to wait for the one brave enough to climb up the tree for you

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Math lessons from the weekend: 15 drinks + day in the sun = sunburned blackout.

I can't afford to go on vacation these days, so I just drink until I don't know where the fuck I am or how I got there.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The real trouble with reality is that there?s no background music.

He?s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.

A relationship is like a car without gas, u can stay in it as long as u want but u won't go anywhere!

I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Halloween should just be changed to National Dress Like a Whore Day.

Save the world? Kill yourself

Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Lots of people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary

Behind every great woman is a man checking out her ass

saying you are right when you?re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong

The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some dont.

Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts.Others come into our lives & make us want to leave footprints on their face.

Don't let a liar upset you. They may only lie to you a few times, but they are lying to themselves all day, everyday.

As i grow older, i pay less attention to what people say?i just watch what they do.

If at first you don?t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.

if chocolate comes from cocoa beans and beans are veggies does that make chocolate a veggie?? oh i think it does :)

If at any time it starts to seem like I care, tell me. I hate to give off the wrong impression.

The daily word for today is ?FOCUS? ( Fuck Off Cuz You?re Stupid ) FOCUS.FOCUS.FOCUS everyone!

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I,ve never tried before.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you?re wrong.

A friend offers a hug when your having a bad day...a true friend brings you jello shots

make your wife happy by telling his the 3 words every woman loves to hear..Here's My Wallet

If necessity is the mother of invention, how come so much unnecessary stuff gets invented?

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Anniversary Facebook Status Updates

Wants to say happy Anniversary to my wonderful hubby the last two years with you have been wonderful I love you baby thank you for making me so happy

3 years ago today a man walked into my life & changed it forever. That man was u! Thank u so much for the best years of my life, Happy Anniversary Honey I Love U

HAPPY ____ ANNIVERSARY to my amazing, beautiful boyfriend! There will never be enough words in a lifetime to tell you how much I LOVE YOU ♥ONLY GOD KNOWS♥

Another year of ups and downs. Here we are going strong and still so in love. Happy Anniversary my Love. I am so happy to be spending my life with you.

Happy anniversary honey, they said we couldn't last this long. Proved them wrong huh?

Today I married my best friend, soul mate-my everything. I love you more and more with each breath I take & wouldn't change it for the world! Happy Anniversary!

WOW WE MADE IT THIS FAR HAPPY ,Anniversary honey hope we have many many more just like we had this far love u very much lots of hugs and kisses xoxoxoxoxox

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew that I would do anything for you, The first time you touched my face, I felt what I never felt with anyone else.

It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you's who you have beside you. I am truly blessed to be married to my soul mate for __ years today!!!

celebrating our love,24 years of marriage,and a beautiful family,to my husband,i love you with all my heart and soul and i am very proud to be your wife!

Thanks 4 our yesterdays (good/bad), I appreciate your love (ALWAYS) 2day & look forward to our tomorrows no matter what the world may bring! Happy Anniversary!

Love is a cloth which imagination embroiders.

Love is a gift for a lifetime--It's a promise we'll always be there. Through the good and the bad, both in sunshine and rain, to cherish and comfort and care..

Eternity would not be long enough to spend with you! You are the other half of my soul! I love you more and more with each breath I take. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY baby! May we grow old together & continue to show our children that there is TRUE LOVE waiting to be found, cause we found it in each other!

Happy Anniversary to my loving hubby. Thank you for the last 11 yrs. and many more yrs. to come. Thank you for making me the happiest woman. I love you always.

It has been another wonderful year being married to the ONE I LOVE! I love you!You are my one and only! thank you God for putting us together. <3 <3

From the first time we met, I knew we were meant to be together. God put us together and that way it will stay. Happy Anniversary honey. I love you forever. <3

1 year down & forever to go... Happy Anniversary!

Love: it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.?

Happy Anniversary to the most amazing man I've ever known! Thank you for loving me, for me. I love you.

Rich is not how much you have or where you go in life, or what you's who you have beside you. I am truly blessed to be married to my hearts desire!

On this our anniversary, we may not have wealth, but we do have each other and that is worth more than anything in the world

Love begins in a moment, grows over time, and lasts for eternity.

Happy Anniversary to the one I'll always want, even when I'm too old to remember what I'm supposed to want you for.

Best Wishes To You Both On Ur Anniversary

It's been one year today that you came into my life and changed it for the better. I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you for being my bestie!

A marriage anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.

We have changed over the years, but the sparkle in your eyes is as bright as ever, and my love for you is even stronger

Knowing you will be with me in all my tomorrows, makes my today so wonderful.

My love, our anniversary is close and it seems like yesterday that we met. I still get that feeling in my heart and butterflies when I see you. I love you Baby

If you are really lucky, you will find one person who will walk through life with you no matter what.

BLISS to fill ur souls peace to fill ur spirits, joys to fill the home you'll share these are the wishes for u with care love to fill ur hearts, as your happy married life together starts

A wonderful marriage is having someone by your side & in your heart to make the good times better the hard times easier and all of life sweeter. Love, Your Wife

i Cannot begin to imagine a life with out you in it. For the memories that we have created together could never compare to the touch that we share.

To the beautiful couple in all the land May your anniversary be Happy and Grand.

To the beautiful couple in all the land May your anniversary be Happy and Grand.

Our anniversary is a time to look back at the good times and a time to look ahead to live our dreams together.

Angry Facebook Status Updates

You can strip me of things I hold dear to me, you can turn ppl against me, and you can run your mouth but honey I will NEVER EVER EVER be as miserable as you!

'-' nope ._. um ._. not here '-' not there ._. what did I do with it '-' hm. That?s strange. Where did my give a fuck button go?!

how to end wars: Make the politicians who start the first to go.

To the person who shall remain nameless, just because you don't have a life, stop trying to make others life's a whole lot worse, you're just an asshole!!!

She said lie to me! He said I love you!

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and make us want to leave footprints on their faces!

Don't u just hate it when u do so much for everyone in your life but when it's your day nobody is there for you!!

I may be smiling but in my mind I've punched you 3 times,kicked you twice ,and jabbed you in the neck 5 times.SO WHAT NOW!

No..I'm not mad(loads gun)..I always walk around loading a shotgun(closes and pumps gun) turn around fuker and start runnin.

Kill them with Kindness... kill them with kindness... kill them with kindness... kill them with kind... KILL them ... KILL THEM!!

Strike me and I'll bruise, cut me and I'll bleed, curse me and I'll turn the other cheek, hurt my family and I'll get revenge...

Mess with me, and I can handle it. Mess with one of my kids, and I will kill you with my bare hands and feed you to my dogs. Want to find out?

I have a temper so don't let my pretty face fool you!

I don't ignore you out of spite, I do it so I wont act on my urge to bring myself down to your level and fight with you about dumb shit.

If you don't like me for me that's your problem,if you don't like how I look not my problem,don't like my opinions not my problem.I AM ME & I LOVE WHO I AM. :)

When I'm upset, I just need that little bit of time to feel sorry for myself. Don't judge me. You can't feel good, if you don't know how to feel bad.

OK, lets see if I can get through a shift at work, without wanting to smash somebodys face in!

when life throws you stones.. pick them up n launch them at the bastards who make things difficult!

Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face!

I may be a Bitch.... but you have a little penis.... Have a great day.

I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger.

Knowing you are being lied to is worse than being hurt by the truth... because some truths only make you angry while being lied to destroys your trust.

For every minute you are angry..... you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

If you kick a stone in'll hurt your own foot.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

Keep your friends close and your enemies just as close.... sometimes it is hard to tell them apart.

When did you decide you are better than anyone else. Last I checked... you were just as fucked up as the rest of us.

I want to say to some people...Shit is supposed to come from your ass not your mouth. Although looking at you there is no difference.

Is thinking we used to be best friends but then u changed and became a bitch I do have other friends and u accusing me of leaving u out aint fair.... grow up.

Just get out of my life I do not need you anymore and plus you are annoying me to death.

Just as you take pleasure in being an asshole.... I will take pride in being the person behind your downfall?.. If being ignorant was a disease then people would be dropping dead all over the fucking place.

Keep giving me those dirty look and I will make your fuckin face stick like that Mk.... thanks

I'm sorry?. I can't listen to your promises anymore?. I'm allergic to Bull-Shit.

Hates self absorbed snotty ass cock sucking bitches and bastards that thrive off making others feel miserable.

You are my brother and I love you but you are a great big bag of dicks.

Yeah I am a sarcastic... insulting...opinionated bitch but that?s who I am and if you don?t like it then piss off.

Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness.... and concealed often hardens into revenge.

Malice drinks one half of its own poison.

I do not discriminate at all... but there is a time to hate every motherfu..ker that is in your way. When that time comes...... bitch you better be on my good side.

The daily word for today is..FOCUS.....Fuck Off Cuz You are Stupid.... FOCUS...FOCUS...FOCUS everyone.

The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.

The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough.

If you're angry at a loved one..... hug that person. And mean it. You may not want to hug....which is all the more reason to do so. It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you.... and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other.

I am smarter than you think I am... but you are as dumb as I knew you were.

Never write a letter while you are angry.

One thing that gets me angrier than anything is hearing.....I was afraid if I told you the truth... you would be mad.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

They always say if you cant say anything nice then dont say it at all? but when people make me mad im gonna say somethin and it aint gonna be nice.

Lord.... Please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it Strong lord.... so that they might learn a hoes place.

Do not teach your children never to be angry.... teach them how to be angry.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

In love one and one are one.

Anger is one letter short of danger.

why do men always have to be with more than one girl.... why can not they be with just one... stupid dickheads... men all the same.

I have multiple personalities and today?. the bitch has decided to play.

Not the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger.

Wishes you would stop being a selfish egotistical prick and realize maybe this once.. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else..... you are the one who gets burned.

Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.

Go ahead and think calling me a bitch insults me I will just thank you for noticing.

I wish some people had constipation of the mouth.... then maybe the shit they talk would stop.

One thing that gets me angrier than anything is hearing ?? I was afraid if I told you the truth?. You'd be mad.

To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.

Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.

Resentment is an extremely bitter diet.... and eventually poisonous. I have no desire to make my own toxins.

Anger is a killing thing... it kills the man who angers... for each rage leaves him less than he had been before ... it takes something from him.

Get angry..... get furious but never crumble to resentment.

While I know some people enjoy a bowl of bitch flakes in the morning.... I think its time some go on a diet from them.

I wish some people had constipation of the mouth... then maybe the shit they talk would stop.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

If a small thing has the power to make you angry....does that not indicate something about your size.

Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.

I learned long ago to never trust anybody because I'd eventually get betrayed... Now I ask myself why I allowed myself to trust you...

Life is too short to hold a grudge....also too long.

Where there is anger.... there is always pain underneath.

wonders why Facebook has a "like" button but no "f*ck off" button.

Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry..... but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

The worst tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.

Hurt me with truths but never comfort me with lies.

When you think people change... think again?it is not that THEY have is that YOU have changed and finally realized who THEY really are?

Just get out of my life I don't need you anymore and plus you are annoying me to death.

Anger is a bad counselor.

Never strike your wife... even with a flower.

Two things a man should never be angry at...What he can help... and what he cannot help.

I would really appreciate it if you would stop acting like you give a damn to make yourself look good. we both know you don't.

It's tough when the people you care about the most are the ones who make you feel the worst

Knows a certain someone that can go fornicate themselves with an iron stick wrapped in rusted barbed wire.

Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.

When a man sends you an impudent letter.... sit right down and give it back to him with interest ten times compounded.... and then throw both letters in the wastebasket.

One person can only take so much stress and anger build up until they reach their breaking point and snap. Today I reached my breaking point.

Anger is a killing thing.... it kills the man who angers for each rage leaves him less than he had been before it takes something from him.

Wishes people would stop judging others...unless your perfect,keep your opinions to your self!

Says that which won't kill me will make me stronger. Look out Hercules, because at the end of all of this I am going to be one strong bitch!

I think you should put a condom on your head cuz if your gunna act like a dick you may as well dress like one !

Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief..... than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved.

Cant understand why some people cant open there mouths without bullshit falling from it

I hate that feeling when everyone around me is in a relationship and I`m awkwardly sitting there like: "..I love my dog

Anger is short lived madness.

I've got five fingers; the middle is yours.

It doesn't bother me that you don't like me, what bothers me is that you are hypocritical and PRETEND to like me!

Self control and quiet words are far more powerful, than the loudest shout you can make. Losing it, shows your weakness and is a sign that you are defeated!

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.

Temper tantrums.....however fun they may be to throw.... rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.

Why did God make life so fucking hard & shit

Try to be nice to people and I get stabbed in the back. Keep messing with me and see what happens you haven't seen the worst of me yet don't test me anymore

It's hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.

My life, my way, if you don't like it then FUCK OFF!

The best answer to anger is silence

Don't you hate it when you're about to kiss someone really sexy and then you go and bump your head on the mirror.!

Yeah yeah, i fell for you and all your lies, now kiss my ass and say your good byes!

The most difficult phase of your life is not when no one understands you; it`s when you don`t understand yourself.

Isn't it amazing how you get in trouble at work for something minor, yet others get away with murder!!

If you're going to talk about me behind my back, don't smile at me to my face!

Tired of waking up everyday and putting on a stupid fake smile and lying to the world.

listen to what is said when some one is angry. that's when the truth comes out..

Some people need to get a life. Not ruin other peoples life.

two faced people are hard to deal with, which face to slap first is a hard decision

Have the attitude that says, I am not getting stuck on this page. I know God has a new chapter for me filled with blessings, favour and victory!

I always wonders how can i block people in real life...!

Beware!!!... I?m not in my greatest mood today?

No matter how long you know someone, they eventually show their true colors.

Don't make so many promises when you can't even keep one.