Monday, January 30, 2012

Witty Facebook Status Updates

I will never go bungee jumping. A rubber breaking was the reason I was born, it sure as hell isn?t going to be the reason that I die.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life, no one helps you once you've been f***

I`m proud of my heart. It`s been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow still works.

Says if u need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

When a women says: GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

OMG guys.. im so happy... the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself

What MOM stands for?, Its Made For Money(MoM)

Girls are like apples. Boys pick up the rotten ones at the bottom because they're easier. You have to wait for the one brave enough to climb up the tree for you

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Math lessons from the weekend: 15 drinks + day in the sun = sunburned blackout.

I can't afford to go on vacation these days, so I just drink until I don't know where the fuck I am or how I got there.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The real trouble with reality is that there?s no background music.

He?s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.

A relationship is like a car without gas, u can stay in it as long as u want but u won't go anywhere!

I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Halloween should just be changed to National Dress Like a Whore Day.

Save the world? Kill yourself

Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Lots of people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary

Behind every great woman is a man checking out her ass

saying you are right when you?re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong

The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some dont.

Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts.Others come into our lives & make us want to leave footprints on their face.

Don't let a liar upset you. They may only lie to you a few times, but they are lying to themselves all day, everyday.

As i grow older, i pay less attention to what people say?i just watch what they do.

If at first you don?t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.

if chocolate comes from cocoa beans and beans are veggies does that make chocolate a veggie?? oh i think it does :)

If at any time it starts to seem like I care, tell me. I hate to give off the wrong impression.

The daily word for today is ?FOCUS? ( Fuck Off Cuz You?re Stupid ) FOCUS.FOCUS.FOCUS everyone!

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I,ve never tried before.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you?re wrong.

A friend offers a hug when your having a bad day...a true friend brings you jello shots

make your wife happy by telling his the 3 words every woman loves to hear..Here's My Wallet

If necessity is the mother of invention, how come so much unnecessary stuff gets invented?

1 comment:

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